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And if you brought a Bible with you this morning, we are in the book of Ephesians, chapter five, going through the book of Ephesians together very simplistically. The book of Ephesians, uh, is about, uh, who you are in light of who Christ is and who Christ is, and then how God desires for us to live our lives in light of who Christ is. And so together, we’ve studied in the first three chapters of the book of Ephesians what it what it means to to know God and to have that relationship with him. And then in light of that relationship, how it is that we are to live out our lives. And today we come to the portion of our, our, our message together, where we’re entering into Ephesians chapter five and Ephesians chapter five and verse one. It starts with the topic of marriage. And I just want to say, as we talk about marriage together this morning, um, there is no such thing as a perfect marriage, okay? And I just want. Yeah. Sorry. There was one perfect marriage. It lasted for, like, a day, and then they send. And then the whole world was cursed. All right. So. So there’s no such thing as a perfect marriage. And so if we talk about marriage today, and when you leave here, know that our idea of what marriage should be about is not perfect. Okay. Um, but we’re going to create a picture.
And what the book of Ephesians discusses for us and what God’s desire really is for our marriage so we can learn to pursue that, uh, as a couple. And if you’re here and you’re single today and you’re looking to to be married one day, it’s a great opportunity to just look at what the Bible says before you make that kind of commitment. And I just want to say to us this morning, if you, uh, if you are married. You have. God’s mate for you. God’s gift to you is that, mate. And as we study this chapter together, um, in the book of of Ephesians, Paul begins to talk about the topic of marriage. But before we get to that topic, I want to set us a backdrop on what marriage represents, and we’re going to go all the way back to the very beginning when God created us in the book of Genesis. I’ll show you why we’re leading in the book of Genesis in just a moment. But when we read about the Book of Genesis, God sets a background for us about just the idea of what male and female really is about. And it starts in Genesis chapter one and verse 27. I’m going to show you just a few portions from the book of Genesis to kind of create an overarching picture for what the first three chapters communicate to us about who we are as individuals, as both male and female.
In Genesis 127 it says this God created man in his own image. In the image of God, he created him, male and female. He created them. And so what this idea carries with us in the book of Genesis, chapter one, is that male and female were different anatomically, right? You don’t have to. You just know that you’re born. We’re just different. And but what God says here, even though he’s made us different, he’s made us equal. Because both of us bear the image of God. And when God created us, he breathed the breath of life into us, making us a spiritual being, able to connect with him on a spiritual level, different than any other creature. And God created us equally. But the Bible also recognizes for us in this verse, and being male and female, and also in Genesis chapter two and verse 18 is that while he created us differently or excuse me equally, he also created us differently. And it says in Genesis 218, then the Lord God said, it is not good for the man to be alone, and I will make a helper suitable for him. And so when God created us, it tells us, describes it in Genesis chapter one, just the idea of creation. And then we get to chapter two. It kind of breaks down the details of what creation is all about. And so when he gets to the place where he describes both male and female, what he signifies for us about females is that the scripture refers to the female as the helper.
Now, a lot of people don’t like that term. I don’t know a lot of people is a correct way to put it, but some people don’t like that term because they feel like when we refer to the female as they as a helper, it’s sort of a derogatory term that lowers her below the position of male. So I just want to keep in mind, in Genesis chapter one, what God says is we’re equal, okay? And in Genesis chapter two, it reminds us that while we’re equal, we’re also different. And so what God is saying by by choosing the word helper guys, is that there are things about your life that you just aren’t capable of meeting. You’re not good at it. You mean to give you an example, just put you in the room with your teenage daughter when she’s going through whatever she you know, you know, where’s mom? You know? You know, they’re just things that mom is more capable of than dad. There’s things that women are just far better at than men. One is smelling better, right? I mean, there’s all kinds of things not growing weird hair. I mean, there’s all kinds of things that ladies are, are, are better at than men. And so what God is saying in this passage of Scripture is that between men and women, when a husband and wife comes together, what God is building is a team.
And it’s a beautiful thing that while God created us both equal, it’s also beautiful that he created us differently. Because what we do is we end up complimenting each other. Now, if you don’t use those complimentary gifts in the right way, you also get at each other’s throat. But. But God has gifted you in a particular way to complement one another. And the way that God described that for us is by using the word helper. In referring to women. I’m going to tell you, if you’re looking at that word and you’re wondering what in the world that really means in Scripture, I’m going to say, if you got a problem with it, you’re going to have a problem with, uh, other ways. It’s used in the Bible because in Genesis or excuse me, the book of John, chapter 14, 15 and 16, when Jesus is describing for us the role of the Holy Spirit. The term that Jesus chooses to use in describing to the nation of Israel the Holy Spirit that would come and indwell his followers is the word helper. And so the same word that’s used for the Holy Spirit is the same word that’s used for describing ladies. God has gifted you with certain abilities that men don’t carry. And when you join that together in marriage.
Jerry Maguire had it right. You complete me, right? That’s exactly what God is saying in this passage. And so when I when I say, if you’re married this morning, you have God’s gift to you, that your spouse is the one who completes your team. And it’s important to look at it as God has created it for us. He takes the commandments that we have with one another seriously. Malachi chapter two and verse 14 and 15, it actually says, marriage is so sacred to God that in Malachi chapter two and verse 14, the picture that God gives for us is that he oversees that covenant relationship. And in chapter 14, you see a picture of God chastising the man because he’s not being faithful to his wife, the wife of his covenant. And marriage is a sacred thing that God is a part of. And can I just tell you, we’re going to build on this together. But the most important ministry you’re going to have in this world is your family. When God’s called you to do all sorts of things to represent him in this world. But can I tell you, men, um, the job that you do in this world that you find important, that takes away from family sometimes that job that you’re working. Anyone can do it. You’re replaceable. But the one thing that you cannot be replaced in. It’s no one else can be a husband to your wife and a father to your children.
God has given you that that job. That’s the most important ministry that you’re going to carry in this world. And so having a picture of what God says about marriage is significant for us. And today, really I want to explain it to us, but I want to do it really in an uncomplicated way. And in John or excuse me, in the book of Genesis, God sets this idea for us and lays us want to say it calls you a helper. If you still don’t like that term, look what God says in Genesis chapter one after he creates the woman, which we know is the last thing he created, it said, God saw all that he had made, and behold, it was very good, right? All the other creations you made God, he makes guys. And they just said, God said, it’s good, you know. But he made the woman. He said, and now it’s very good. Okay. You could just say, all right, God just saved the best for last, honey, get a load of this. Right. And so he creates this idea that after God makes marriage, he then looks at his creation and says, you know what? This is very good. But sometimes when we think about marriage, that is the last description we want to give. Very good. When God created marriage. Believe it or not, he didn’t create marriage to survive.
He created marriage so that we could thrive. And regardless of where we are in our relationship to our spouse, or if we have a relationship with your spouse, if you’re if you’re learning, it’s a great place. If you’re struggling, this is a great place for all of us. It’s a good place because when it comes to our relationship to our spouse, we always need to be working on ourselves. And improving in who we are to benefit what our marriage is about. And so the question I’m just going to ask, just as we get started here this morning, is how do we get the very good of marriage? If I were to ask you this morning, what is God’s goal for your marriage? What would you say? Don’t you don’t have to arbitrary arbitrarily here. This is this is a rhetorical question. What would you say God’s goal for your marriage is? You know, I think some people would say, um, or maybe a majority of people. God’s goal for my marriage is happiness, right? And can I tell you this morning, if you study it in Scripture, God never says the goal for marriage is happiness. I believe that, right? There are days, right? But God’s goal for your marriage isn’t happiness. Let me tell you. Let me tell you why that goal will get you off track. It’s good that you can be. We want you to be happy in marriage, okay? We want you to enjoy your spouse and that relationship here at our church.
But. But if your goal becomes happiness, the idea of a couple coming together are going to define what that what happiness is about differently. One one individual within the relationship would say one thing and one individual will say another thing. And so when your goal is happiness, the couple can be pursuing two different, two different means to to receive that happiness within the relationship. And what they find is rather than have a marriage, they just got two individuals living together. And so God’s goal for your marriage, believe it or not, is not happiness. This is what I’ll say is, as we understand what God’s goal for your marriage is, when you pursue that, your marriage becomes happy. And so this is what God said when he created both man and woman. And he created Adam and Eve for the purpose of marriage. It says in verse 24 of chapter two and Genesis, for this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. God’s goal for your marriage is that you and your spouse. Would become one flesh. Interesting thing about this is right? Just before God says the goal for our marriage, he also recognizes that when when we become one flesh, oneness creates a marriage that sings. You think about it.
I know some of you guys know this already because I’ve rapped this before. This is, I believe, a rap song in scripture. But in Genesis chapter two and verse 23, God creates Eve. Eve comes into the garden and Adam is just blown away. And so the Bible tells us in verse 23, he does something what all shakespeareans in love? Do you know what your teenage kids all about? He he writes a love song to this girl, and he recognized this as God’s gift to me. God made her beautifully. God made her perfectly. God made her just for me and he just sings to her. And God created marriage to just sing. And he says in verse 23, this now bone of my bone is not a very good song, and flesh of my flesh she shall be called woman, because she was taken out of man. You got to give him a shot here. This is his first attempt at writing songs in the Bible. But. But he sings the song just saying, you know, Eve is God’s gift for me. And so God’s goal for marriage isn’t happiness, but God’s goal for marriage is oneness. And as you pursue one flesh with your spouse, God creates joy within that marriage. And why do I bring all this up in Genesis? Well, the reason I bring it up in Genesis is that Paul talks about it in Ephesians. He gives this quote in Ephesians chapter five from the book of Genesis to create an idea within our minds about what God has described in the book of Genesis.
And so he says, he says in verse 31, in chapter five, for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall be joined to his wife. And the two shall become one flesh. What does one flesh mean, exactly? There’s a there’s a description in the Bible when we talk about a relationship with the Lord, the way that he holistically describes what it should look like for us to be one with him in relationship, he says in, in Mark chapter 12 and verse 30, love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your mind, with all your soul, and with all your strength. Meaning. When we talk about being one, it’s a oneness that exists emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally, relationally. You’re just pursuing oneness. And when we talk about about oneness in, in the Hebrew text and in the book of Genesis in 24, or excuse me, yeah, in verse 24, it says that they’re literally glued together. That’s what oneness means. You’re glued so tightly together as one person or one being, that you can’t tell where where one spouse ends and the other one begins. You’re that united. And so oneness brings this this you and me, and it turns it into an us and we. It’s about the picture that God created for us together.
What we find is we describe marriage, as Paul describes here, is that marriage, what it’s about isn’t about making a better you. It’s about making a better us. And Paul gives a little description in verse 31 of what that looks like when we become one flesh. It says, for this reason a man shall leave his mother and father. There is both a leaving something behind and a cleaving to the one that God has called you to. And I think in marriage, the mistakes that we often make is that we involve too many people and what’s happening in our marriage relationship. Meaning this verse based on Ephesians 531 tells you when when Mommy and daddy are left behind, cut the umbilical cord. Because what God wants to do is between you and your spouse. Sometimes within marriage, we make it about kids rather than about your spouse. And I want to tell you, when we study the book of Ephesians, Paul in chapter five talks about marriage and then chapter six. He then talks about the children. The reason he talks about marriage before the children is because if you have a healthy marriage, you get a you get a healthy family. But if you make marriage all about the kids and you neglect your spouse, your kids are going to leave. And when your kids leave, all of a sudden within your home, you’re looking at a stranger.
Your spouse is committed to you for life. Your kids, you got them for 18 years, and then and then once when they’re 30 and then once. No, I’m just kidding. But. But God has called you in oneness in that relationship and in oneness in that relationship. It becomes a blessing to the family. And so Paul says there’s a responsibility within the marriage to both leave and cleave. And it’s important to recognize this in our attention, because when when we we talk about leaving and cleaving, we need to say to ourselves that this is not something that happens naturally. We have to pursue the goal of seeking oneness with our spouse. Because sin pulls it apart. Because relationships with Mommy and Daddy can pull it apart. Because the children can get in between that. And can pull it apart. Oneness doesn’t happen naturally. When this happens, as we understand, this is what God’s desire is for our relationship and we pursue it. Marriage doesn’t naturally create unity in some ways. Sometimes it creates division. You think about. A husband and wife are created to be a helpmate to one another. They complement each other. They’re built as a team, but sin can tear it apart. In fact, in Genesis chapter three, when you read about the curse that fell upon Adam and Eve, it tells the woman the curse. Part of the curse that she has is she will try to dominate and dictate to her husband.
She will rule over him. Rather than complement one another. She’ll just bulldoze the family. And so God creates this picture. He tells us his goal for marriage is because as people, it’s not our natural pursuit. I know some days it happens easier than others. God’s desire is that you pursue that and make it a priority. I love it when, um, I have this rule. As a pastor, I don’t marry anybody unless I get to do some form of premarital counseling. Because I believe when when you marry someone, you’re doing it before the Lord. And so you want a picture for them of what it looks like before the Lord, before you ask them to make any commitments before God at the altar. And when you when you have done. I’ve done it several times now, but it’s always you always get to the part where you’re talking about the the individual character of people. And man, they’re always so googly eyed. I don’t matter how old they are getting married. They’re it’s just nothing. I ever think I’d be so wrong. You know, everybody else’s marriage goes through bad stuff, but not ours. We just. We’re in love, you know? But I can tell you this. We think we. Well, you’ve all you’ve all thought that way. But but but we we think about this idea of what marriage is about. And sometimes when we’re young, we’re picturing marriage.
We think marriage enhances our lives. I can’t possibly think of anything bad that would happen. I love this person so much that marriage is going to be just a wonderful blessing. I got to tell you, when you have an individual living their lives the way that the individual wants to live their life, but they’re striving to please the Lord, everything looks okay, but then you put someone else in that home who has goals and ambitions as well, and now you’ve got them living together 24 seven and they both have these different ideas of what life is supposed to be about. Now, trying to work that out together. There is tension that builds. There’s frustration that builds. Because we have different ideas of what? We should do. And so oneness doesn’t come naturally. It takes effort. But I got to tell you, it’s fun preaching about marriage when your wife’s here. I got to go through all this this week and say, okay, honey, anything I need to say, anything I need to fix. It was fun. But but this is what God, what he does in in this passage of Scripture is he starts Ephesians chapter five and and verse 21. Paul then begins to describe all of marriage for you. He says in verse 31 his his goal for us is to understand that what God is pursuing for you and your relationship is oneness.
And so in verse 21, he tells us, in order to get to this oneness, I’m going to tell you something collectively as a couple. I’m going to tell you something individually as a spouse, and then we’re going to seek this oneness together in your marriage relationship. I don’t want to be a part of that. You do it. But he says in verse 21, and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. It’s Paul as he gets ready to describe marriage for us. The first thing he points out is that marriage is not about you. Really, marriage is about losing you. Marriage is not about what you’re getting. Marriage is first about what you’re giving away. So the idea of marriage is that when you come before the altar, God’s picture for marriage is that you’ve got one opportunity in your life to give yourself away to someone, to a degree that you cannot do with other people. And so when you lay yourself down before that individual, it is a complete offering of who you are to honor who they are. And so, Paul, as he gets ready to describe this, he’s saying to us, this attitude towards your marriage really begins to set the tone of how healthy it’s going to be. Because if you’re going into marriage, thinking about all the benefits of this for you, then you’re going to live a marriage that’s about you, and it’s a marriage that sucks life out of that relationship.
When Paul’s saying to us in this very first verse as he gets ready to describe it, is that when you go to love your spouse, you don’t love your spouse because of anything they’re going to do for you. You don’t love your spouse to get things. You love your spouse because you want to commit to loving them the way that Jesus desires for you to love them. Love is not about loving to get what I want. Love is about just giving itself away regardless. It’s a sacrifice. And he says in verse 21 that we are to be subject to one another. And then he describes for us, ladies, if if you want that oneness with your husband, here’s one important thing that Paul says. Here’s one important thing to keep in mind as you’re pursuing oneness together. And then he’s going to go to the guys. Guys, if you want to pursue oneness with your spouse, if you want your marriage to sing, if you want your family to, then be healthy because your marriage is healthy. Here’s one thing that you can do the beginning together. That we’re subject to one another. That our concern is each other’s needs, that we’re we’ve got each other’s backs. And and then it says in verse 22, it begins to describe for the wives, wives, be subject to your own husbands. We’re going to talk about this.
Be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, he himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be subject to their own husbands in everything. The wives must see to it that she respects her husband. I say that with a little bit of a laugh, because I can picture guys just sticking this on their fridge. Yeah, man, I’m the boss. I’m going to tell you guys, um, the Bible says in first Timothy three when it describes your role, um, it doesn’t say that you’re the dominating dictator who everyone in your family hates. What it says is, um, it describes you as a manager. And you don’t have to stick your business and everything in the family. Boy God calls you to and responsibility to your family is to oversee the condition of your family mentally, spiritually, physically, health wise. Just manage. You don’t have to dictate, but just see how your family goes. And so it calls the wife in this situation to respect her husband. And I want to tell you something, ladies. Um, there was a survey done a couple of years ago by this, these Christian counselors, and they, they they polled hundreds of men and they asked them in different places across the country, men, what what would you rather have? Would you rather have a home of love and no respect, or a home of respect and no love? And the majority of the men, it was something.
Over 75% of these men said that they would rather have by far respect rather than love. Now that might blow some of the ladies. What in the world? I mean, look, look at the United States military. That’s that’s virtually something that’s been, for the most part, created by men. And you look at the structure that they’ve created, right? Yes, sir. Right. All about organization and and hierarchy and position and respect. Right. Men are, are are huge on, on on chivalry and being a hero. You may not believe this, but at some point in every guy’s life they’ve got, they’ve had this picture in their mind where they’ve been the hero of something. Right? This bank robber comes in and I just steal the show and I seize the day and everyone respects, right? I mean, guys live for respect. As a matter of fact, I would say this the reason guys would choose that they would be respected in their home over love is because when you respect the husband in the home, the husband sees that as love. I mean, you can do things as a lady. You never feel like love, but you could respect your husband. And your husband is going to feel like the most loved man in the world when he walks into the building.
And so what Paul says here. Ladies. If you seek oneness with your husband. Respect him. This passage has been used. To be abusive. I think in relationships in the past, I think it’s demoted ladies and the equality that God has given them. So let me just tell you real quickly what what this passage doesn’t say and what this passage says. This passage does not say every man gets to dominate a woman. This passage does not say the husband gets to control the woman. The passage does not say that. God. Um. Excuse me. The passage does not say a husband. Uh, has to earn your respect. Notice it says, ladies, respect your husband regardless. And this passage does say that God holds your husband accountable for the family, and he needs your respect to lead in a godly way. This passage does say. Husband needs your respect so he can lead as God has called him to leave lead. Excuse me. This passage does say that the kind of husband he should be is the one that you should find yourself having no problem respecting. So we’re going to see, as God calls you, to respect your husband, as a rule, for the wife. And what we’re going to see is we describe what the husband’s role is, that when you see the type of love and sacrifice that a husband carries towards his wife, he’s the type of man that you should find easy to respect.
And so the challenge is for us as men, guys, if your wife is seeking oneness, if you’re here with your spouse today and she’s going to seek oneness with you, and she’s going to seek respect, respect towards you and to honor you in the home, when we get to the part we talk about, you become the kind of man that she can respect. Right. And ladies, when it’s hard, I’m offer forgiveness and continue to respect him because that’s the platform that God has given you to work on his heart. He’s not going to change by you nagging him. He changes with your respect. And so if you respect him, pray for him. If you respect him, build him up. When he walks into the room, act like Superman just came home, right? I say this to the to our single ladies this morning. If you’re thinking about marriage, um, if if you’re looking at marriage and you’re thinking about even specific people in your life, if you can’t respect him, please do not marry him, okay? Uh, no reason to play games if you can’t respect the one that God has called you to give your life to in that marriage commitment, then don’t get married. There’s someone else out there. That’s by far the problems that will exist in that are worse than just tying the knot and just dealing with it.
Married women. God calls you to respect, encourage, pray for, speak highly of him. A guy would way rather have your respect than have your love. If you want to be encouraged towards oneness. Respect your husband. Husbands. You need a little more teaching. Skulls a little thicker. So we have to say a couple times. Husbands, love your wives. There you go. Husbands. Love your wives. Husbands. Love your wives. Here’s an example as Christ also loved the church. And gave himself up for her. Because you know where we struggle. You come home from work after dealing with men all day, especially if you work with your hands, right? Very stressful environment. You come home to your spouse. And you treat your family just like you did the people at work. Your wife has emotional needs far superior to yours. And when you just take the picture of the first verse that Paul has given to us in verse 25. A lady should have no problem respecting that kind of man. You’re not there to dominate her. You’re not there to dictate her. You’re there to honor her by serving her. And the picture is get this as Jesus. The way that he gave everything to love you. Guys who think about marriage. If you’re going into marriage, thinking about yourself and just not getting rid of yourself for your spouse if you can’t love her. I would say to this degree, but we felt this all the time.
But if you don’t have a heart that desires to love and appreciate her this way, go tell her dad I see what he does right now. If you if you don’t carry this kind of heart for the lady when you when you’re considering marriage. Look, don’t get married. This is what God’s called you to do is to be one with your spouse. And the method that God has chosen for you to do that is to love your wife in this way. He says this in verse 26, so that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle, or any such thing, but that she would be holy and blameless. Look what Paul says. Verse 25, guys love your wives. This is the way you do it. It’s the same way Jesus did it. He he sacrificed everything to love his church. And that’s the picture of marriage for you. That’s the goal to seeking oneness in that relationship. And so he says in verse 26 that the wife literally by this type of love becomes more beautiful in that love each and every day look at it so that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word. Jesus is loving her.
Jesus is loving the church, and the more he loves the church, the more beautiful the church becomes. When you love your wife. The more you give yourself for her. More beautiful. She comes. And this is what I’m going to say is, I know as we talk about these things, we’re thinking of all these what ifs, lies. We just talked about respecting your husband. Husband. We just talked about loving your wife. And you’re thinking about the spouse on the other side. If you’ve got any frustration, look at what they’re doing. What about them? Where’s the vengeance for that? Right. We’ll say in just a moment I want to deal with that attitude. But this this is all I want to talk about. I really just want to talk about you. Marriage works when you’re willing. Willing personally to work on it, right? And so let God work on you. Don’t worry about what I’m saying to your spouse this morning. Because what does it mean to pursue oneness with your wife? Ladies. What does it mean to respect your husband? Can’t tell you, ladies. One of the one of the worst things you can do is just publicly tear down your your your man. He’s my man. That’s kind of unique. I mean, here’s the way to know if you’re really respecting them in your home. Just watch how the kids treat them. Kids are horrible at doing what their elders tell them to do, right? Sometimes.
But but they’re really good at at displaying what their parents do, right? Kids don’t do what you tell them, but they do demonstrate what you do in your home, right? Yeah, that’s embarrassed me a few times. Well, I won’t tell you if your husband if you’re wondering, do I really respect my husband in the home? Look at what your kids do. Because if your kids carry no respect towards your husband, chances are you’re modeling before your own children not to respect him. Respect your husband. Husbands. Love your wife’s. Even when it’s difficult. Love your wives. If you desire for her to change, who cares what she’s doing? She gets more beautiful as you sacrificially love her. Give yourself away. I love the book of Hosea. As that picture comes out, Hosea, his wife, God told him to marry a prostitute and she just went around just cheating on him everywhere. And Hosea just continued to just faithfully just love her and love her and love her. Just looking for the change that God could bring into her life. Love changes. God has called you to love in that oneness. Sometimes men get real concerned about the intimacy issue within the relationship. Yeah, I can’t. It’s hard to love. We we don’t we don’t have any intimacy. Can I can I tell you guys, um, you are like a physical creature. Just site and you’re ready to go, okay? Intimacy is no problem with you.
You’re you’re your wife is a little different. Her heart is spurred more emotionally than as yours is done by just anything site, whatever. Right. And you’re so concerned about the intimacy. Can I can I tell you as men, if you’re more concerned about touching the heart of your wife rather than her body, intimacy really only doesn’t even become an issue. Speak to her heart. What is it that you can do for your wife to reach her heart and be one with her? Anyone can do your job in this world. But only you. Can be a husband to your wife. An apparent. To your children. So let me give you some application. This is this is fairly simplistic. I mean, God wants oneness. And so the way that we bring oneness into our relationship, he describes in the book of Ephesians, we surrender ourselves to each other, we submit to one another and serving one another because relationships are not about I, I, and you. It’s about us and we. And so we submit to serve. Not because I’m going to get anything out of it, but because that’s what God has called me to do. And so for the wives he says respect. And so for the husbands he says love. And so how do we do that? And there’s something within, uh, uh, Christian counseling circles that’s called the crazy cycle that goes like this.
If if you react without love, she will react without respect. And if she reacts without respect, then you will react without love. And so the cycle never ends. It’s just craziness all the time. She doesn’t respect me. So I’m not loving her and I’m not loving her, so she’s not respecting me. And so we’re just fighting constantly, just this whirlwind of relationship. Every once in a while it slows down. But then the tornado gets kicked back up again and all of a sudden it’s crazy in our relationship again. And so when Paul talks in this passage of Scripture. Notice he never even brings that up. Who cares? If you want your relationship to seek oneness. You’ve got to let the vengeance die. We’ve got to let the crazy cycle end. And someone has to look at the picture of marriage within your relationship. And rather than react based on what your spouse does, you, you react based on what the Lord has called you to do. God has called you to love. Regardless, God is going to hold you accountable for you regardless of what other people do. Please. God has called you to respect. Regardless. And so here’s how it happens. The crazy cycle within the home. Here’s how. Here’s how we end it. I come before my spouse. And I say something and she just responds, snappy, back at me, right? Stacey’s never done that, so don’t worry. But but she just snaps back at me.
And the tendency within our human nature is then attack. Right. Defend me. Thinking about me. In reality, the solution to that problem is thinking about her. So when your wife or your spouse responds to you in a snappy way, they’re communicating something to you inappropriately, but they’re communicating something to you. So when Stacy responds to me in a negative way. It should be an indicator for me to stop the crazy cycle and ask this and say this. Honey, what you just said. Felt disrespectful. You know, I’m a man. Respect is important. Honey, what you just said is disrespectful. That’s saying to me that I’ve done something to make you feel unloved. As there’s something that I’ve done to make you feel unloved. And don’t give any excuses. Just give your spouse the freedom to talk. Don’t give her your opinion. Who cares? You’re dealing with her right now, and whatever’s happened, regardless, her world is the most important in that relationship for you guys. So? So work on that. Why if it works the same way. Your husband comes to you and he just snaps. Whatever. He just got home from work and you give him five minutes to cool off. Ah. And and and then rather than, rather than get angry back and just tell him, you know disrespectfully what he deserves you. You look at him and say, honey, that felt unloving. Is there anything I’ve done that made you feel disrespected? And he’s not going to say a whole lot.
He’s probably going to say, no, it’s all right, you know. Men are a few words or creatures of few words, right? If your husband ever comes to you and says, honey, let’s talk, he is not doing that for himself. He’s only thinking about you, right? You might have to pull it out of him a little bit. Give them an opportunity. Honey, you’re just being short. I know you feel disrespected. Well, just talk about it. Just. Just let me know, because I want to be what God has called me to be for you. I want you to feel respected. In the crazy cycle. Paul says it like this. He says, here’s the goal. For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. How does that happen? Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife, even as himself. Guys, love your wife and wife must see to it that she respects her husband. And the crazy cycle. And Paul’s driving to this point. Guys, God has built your marriage for a reason. One is for the oneness there, but beyond just you as a couple. God has built your marriage for a reason. A healthy marriage creates a healthy family. Which creates a healthy community. And that’s what Paul gets to in Ephesians chapter six.
He talks about children, and then he talks about living in this world, but that doesn’t function appropriately. Without a healthy marriage. And so the focus isn’t living for the kids. The focus is about the marriage. That’s why God says Ephesians six shares all about the marriage in Genesis 128, marrying Ephesians, it says, God blessed them husband and wife. And God said to them, be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it. Husband and wife, get together, be fruitful, bless this world, go out and multiply. You know, they didn’t have any other people, so they were just taking care of the animals at this point. But, but, but take care of society. You know babies are going to come. So take care of society. A healthy marriage creates a healthy family which creates a healthy community. Can I give you a thought, guys? Women. Your kids need to see what a healthy marriage and a healthy relationship looks like. That. Your daughter needs to know what to expect from a future husband. She needs to see mirrored in your life. The love and appreciation you carry for your bride. And you need to set that standard high because you don’t want any scumb walking into a world. You need to share what it means to love. I love my my son starting to do that now. Like I walk in. I always give both of Stacy and my son a hug and a kiss when I leave.
And so. But now I don’t have an opportunity to even leave the house without doing it, because I’ll come in and I’ll kiss him. And then as soon as I’m done, he makes sure I’m going over to mommy to tell mommy, you know, I love you, and and I’ll see you guys later. And so your children need to see mirrored what to expect. Dad. Your sons need to see how to honor their future bride. Wives. Your daughter needs to know how to treat her husband. She needs to know what it means to respect, and she needs that modeled because you’re modeling of it is going to speak way more than than your words. I need to model it for. Same thing for your. For your son’s. They need to know what to expect from a future bride. You know, boys marry people just like their mama, right? I always bring somebody home, just like mama. And so they need to know what it means and what to expect from that bride. Well, someone’s going to say they just lost it. Oh, this is it. I’ve told you this before, but I use this to my advantage. Guys, I think about this in our relationship. Just Stacy and I. Not all the time. I’m not perfect at it, but. But I’ve told you this before is I’ll come home and and we’ll be.
Usually I get greeted by my family in the kitchen and and I’ll come home and I’ll go to kiss Stacy. And sometimes I’ll be, like, working at the church or whatever, and I’ll smell bad. And she she won’t want to kiss me, so. So I’ll look over and I’ll be like, Grayson’s watching. You know, I use it as a kid. He needs to see make out with me. Yeah. So. So I use it. I mean, use creatively to to your advantage. And here’s what I say in all this, um, in talking about marriage, there’s no such thing as a perfect marriage. And and the reality is, when we see what God’s called the husband to, to love the wife as Christ loved the church, I mean, she many Christmas. Uh. That’s impossible. Without a deep dependency on the Lord, it’s impossible. And we got to recognize we’re going to fail. And husbands are bad at verbalizing this. Although you’ll think about it a lot. You won’t. You won’t externally state it. And wives may be overstated. I don’t know, but. But I’m speaking for a man. That’s all. I am. So so so when you fail. You need to confess it. If you want to model for your kids and for your wife. What Ephesians looks like, guys. Um, confess it when it’s not the way it should be. Go back before your family. And although you didn’t model one behavior well, you can at least communicate to them what it will look like and say, hey guys! A failed right here is a mistake I made.
And then recommit to them. Tell them the kind of man you want to be. This is my goal. I want to love you this way. And when you do that, don’t. Don’t talk about all the reasons why. You know, you guys, you guys could help me out there, you know? Partially your fault. I’m sorry that you’re to blame. Don’t do that. Just point out where you failed. Help them to recognize that you want the Lord to work on your heart. Help them to see that you understand that you’re under God’s authority. Is your leading your family. Help them to understand you’re not where you want to go, and you’re not always perfect. But. But you want to pursue that in Christ. And so just confess it when you fail. And then recommit. Can I tell you one of the healthiest things that you can do today or tonight? Go home with your spouse. Lay in bed and say, honey, let’s talk. And you can say to her, I know we’re dealing with guys here, guys. You think about all these things that you’ve you do wrong sometimes, and you forget to go to the, the last step and just verbalize it. You forget to say, you know what? I’ve been noticing this in myself and I’ve been failing in this.
And I just want you to know that I’ve been thinking about it. I haven’t even really said it to you, and I know it’s probably been weighing on your heart, but I just want to say, honey, I’m sorry. Because this is what I understand that God has called me to love you unconditionally. When? When your dad let me marry you. He probably had a picture that I would not fail in that way, right? But I’m sorry. And this is the kind of man I want to be for you. Not because I’m expecting anything, but because I want to love you the way that Jesus would love you. Why is he could do the same way thing for your husband. We go. Honey, I haven’t respected you the way that I should. And you know I want to. And I’m going to tell you right now because I’ve not been practicing it the way that I should. Um, it’s going to take some time, and I’m going to fail. So just be patient with me. But I want the Lord to work on me in that way. Because I want to love you the way that Jesus has called me to love you. Because if if that was your goal in marriage, I mean, it just feels good saying that, doesn’t it? Ah, I wish my spouse, you know, that’s the way I want to pursue the oneness. God has called your marriage to be one. That’s God’s goal for your marriage. And in that. The joy of the Lord can be found.